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The repercussions of living with endometriosis extend far beyond the women who have the disease it has a tremendous impact on the man in her life. The dynamics of the relationship are radically changes and it can cause major stress on the healthiest of couples.. I speak from experience. I know what it’s like to feel so much pain and sadness over being misunderstood. I understand what it’s like to look into your significant other’s eyes and see so much helplessness. I even understand the men who just ignore the disease altogether because it scares and overwhelms them. Most men want to help you but they don’t know where to begin. It’s enough to see you in again day and night but how can they wrap themselves around understanding this elusive disease? It is extremely painful for men to watch women suffer without being able to fix it or make it better. The frustration at not being able to fix you is overwhelming and men tend toot either retreat into their own worlds or become overly concerned to the point of suffocation. There is a medium and I am here to help you find it.

To all the men who are reading this we love you and know you are loving, kind and supportive and we are not here to bash you or imply otherwise. We are here to help you understand us and help you be better able to help your companion live and cope with endometriosis. We all know it’s hard to live with this disease day in and day out. Our physical and psychological selves are constantly challenged. It takes enormous energy to face up to the se challenges and they often leave us feeling emotionally and physically bankrupt This affords us little or no time capacity to participate in our relationships – even with our partner and children, and this can lead to feelings of neglect, anger, bitterness and resentment. Men want to know what is happening and why we are suffering and so much of the time we have so few answers to the many questions and that leaves both of you frustrated and mentally exhausted.

Reopening the doors to healthy communication is imperative. When we are suffering and in pain the last thing we want to do is make love, walk along the beach, go to the theatre or cuddle. We desperately wish we could but we can’t and the lapse in communications here can leave you both feeling rejected and unloved. Explain to your partner that is isn’t that you don’t want to do any of these things as it’s not a matter of want, it’s a matter of being unable to do these things. Can’t doesn’t equal want or desirability. If you can make that point dear to your man you’ll find you both have a better understanding of how to handle a situation such as this. We need to communicate with words, even though we feel so disengaged when we’re in pain . We owe it to our significant other to open the doors of communication so both of you ca understand.

Honest, straightforward and continual communication is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Expression can be difficult when we are suffering but we must try and they must try to be patient and listen to what you have to say. It is also important to let him express his thoughts, frustrations and fears without taking them personally. If he begins to talk remember that you opened the magic tunnel of communications for him to get these feelings of his chest. Don’t plug it up by personalizing everything too fast. SO much of the time we forget that they are the other part of the picture and that they need to have an opinion in what goes on with out lives. Your man needs to be told that he is not less than for being unable to ease your pain and frustration. It is not he, but the disease that angers you Let him in and let him love you. Let him know how much you appreciate the sincerity of his concerns. Let him know he is needed, wanted and cared for. Put yourself in his shoes. What would you do if you saw him suffering and isolating all day and night? Wouldn’t that make you stressed and helpless?

Remember that your life is not the only life that changes with this diagnosis. The man who loves you must adapt in more ways than you perhaps. He will have thoughts and fears about these changes and it will be essential to remove any communications barriers to fully understand the effect this has on the relationship. Depending on the severity patterns that were once establishes may change. If you normally pick up the groceries and the kids from school he may need to do that in the interim until you feel better. Again, I can’t stress enough about how important communication s is as feelings of resentment and self worth can come into play for you both.

Your pain affects both of you. Try to help one another along the path. Women often feel guilt at not being able to have sexual contact while men feel dejected or unloved. Find alternative ways to define your intimacy and be creative. This will enhance your intimacy and expose you both to alternate, but equally pleasing, solutions. This involves change and change can sometimes be difficult to embrace. Take it slow and continually talk to one another so you are one the same page. The ability to adapt to change and to acknowledge what you can and can’t change will reduce feelings of inadequacy and helplessness.

Men are human, however they are not al the same. They care and love us. His reactions to your illness may vary. Don’t be alarmed if he balks at first when you try and discuss things in detail as he may not be accustomed to speaking so openly about such private matters. If this is happening remind him that endometriosis is a gynecological disease and the only way to discuss it is graphically at times. As well, give him a little credit. He may not embrace the topic with the same passion you have it’s just his capacity for doing so doesn’t match yours. It is not good or bad just factual. Give him time with out compromising his self esteem or sense of self.

If you think he doesn’t have compassion for your pain, think again. He may be angry, frustrated and sad at not being able to help you. At the root of his anger is fear. He’s afraid of loosing the life you once shared and above all losing you. Anticipate changes in advance and that can help. Remember, it is the disease he is angry with, not you.

Often, we are so consumed with our illness that we forget to reassure our loved one that we do indeed love, want and need them. Here is a sample letter to the one we love.

There are helpful letters (in fact an entire chapter) and exercises in my book that can further help you both find the peace and love you so crave.